People only see the versions of us they have created, a persona. We create personas for each person we know.

Perhaps that’s why seeing change in others is so jarring. It means our version of that person is incorrect or inaccurate.

While it should be simple to update those changes, we struggle with them. Rail against them even.

“You always did it this way. Why are you doing it that way now?”

“You don’t like that. You never liked that.”

“Since when do you not (fill in the blank)?”

Each one said incredulously, challenging even.

We build personas of others

It’s not all on our friends, family and colleagues, though. We have given them pieces of ourselves, and from that they’ve built this persona.

No one can know everything about another person. Even friends or couples who share everything can’t live in another person’s head or body, hear the self-talk, see the world through another’s eyes.

Who we are really is a mystery to everyone around us, yet we don’t realize it.

Instead, we think we know people, our partners, friends, children. And we think they know us.

Usually, I am fine with the persona others create of me. A private person by nature, I don’t feel the need for people to know everything about me. I certainly don’t go around sharing my inner thoughts with everyone around me. (Except in this blog, I guess.)

I’m more likely to keep quiet and listen than talk. But, if you ask a question, I’ll likely answer, and very straightforwardly. But even that won’t tell you everything about me, and it’s likely to cause you to see the flaws in your version of me.

Getting past the persona

How many of us look to dig deeper into the people around us? Do we continue to get to know them, or do we assume what we see is what we get? Is that persona we’ve created enough?

Sometimes it is, which is unfortunate, because all of us are changing all the time. It may be in big or small ways, but we gain new information, new understanding and we alter who we are, what we think or how we act. We see something new or meet a person. Perhaps we read a new book or listen to a podcast. It could be someone comes into our life, like a new baby, or someone dies.

All of these things can get our minds working, and as a result, we change: our minds, our attitudes, our physical appearance, our hopes, our fears, our likes and dislikes. We may not recognize the changes in ourselves until or unless we reflect on it.

Some of the most meaningful relationships I’ve had involved people who asked questions and didn’t assume to know everything. Asking questions forces us to recognize the changes in others. It challenges our beliefs and personas.

I am a mix of wanting to see the change in others and wanting the personas I’ve created to suffice. My journalism background makes me curious, and I know how to talk to strangers and ask questions they may not want to answer. But I’m more hesitant with people I know. Not wanting to offend (them or my own sensibilities by noticing a change), I keep quiet.

Then, too, I also like to feel like I know everything. Rarely will I admit I don’t know what something is. Rather, I’ll Google it later if I can’t figure it out during the course of the conversation. That means I’m content to put people in boxes – personas – and assume they are accurate.

Foolish, I know. But I’m only just realizing this about myself and others. That realization helps me be more forgiving of people who think they know me. If I want them to recognize the change in me, I need to see and accept the change in them, as well.

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How to Be a Better Writer Tip

Off the cuff or by the book

Are you methodical when you write? Or do you write more spontaneously?

I’m a bit of both. For these columns, I’m more likely to write “off the cuff,” so to speak. This truly is me sharing my thoughts and experiences.

When I write for clients, I format my work, create an outline and write with a clear goal. That helps me stay focused.

You may be a mix, as well. If you keep a diary or journal, you may write whatever comes into your head. If you’re writing a business report, you’ll likely have a format and outline to follow.

Which do you prefer?

Writing this blog is (usually) easy. I don’t have to publish something if I don’t want to. Instead, I write for my own benefit and enjoyment, and about once a week I post something I’ve written. I enjoy writing, and I particularly enjoy writing these columns.

However, there’s something very satisfying about taking a variety of content and pulling it together into a cohesive article. I almost can feel how it will come together. The pieces are there in my mind, forming a whole, and I just need to “put it on paper.”

Because I do column or blog writing more often, I’d guess I’d pick that as my favorite.

How about you?